Breakfast for two (idiots)

It's been brought to my attention that modern young people, though uniformly pretty awesome at Halo, have somehow reached adulthood lacking certain basic life skills.  If this is because nobody thought to teach them, or because they couldn't be bothered to learn, I don't know.  What I do know is that intelligent people who eat every meal in restaurants and have shockingly untidy homes are everywhere these days, and I aim to do what I can to help them. And make fun of them a little.

In light of those goals; here is a simple breakfast recipe.  It serves two people and improves your life.  You're welcome.

You will need:

4 Eggs
1 oz milk
Handful shredded cheese (any)
4 whole strips of bacon
4 slices bread
One medium-sized bowl
One fork
One large skillet
One wooden spoon or silicone spatula
2 paper towels
a toaster
a stove or hotplate
half a brain

      Starting from pristine kitchen,  get eggs, bacon, milk, and cheese out of refrigerator.  Put large skillet on stove, turn burner to MED heat, add bacon.  Get out small (cereal-size) bowl.  Crack 4 eggs into bowl, add handful of shredded cheese and one oz (shotglass full) milk.  Shake salt and pepper into bowl for about five seconds each or more, depending on taste.  Stab egg yolks with a fork and stir egg mixture until incorporated.  Turn bacon over.  Get two paper towels and lay them on a plate or on the countertop near the stove.  Pick up every one of your damn socks and put them in the hamper.  If the hamper is full, start a load of laundry.  Transfer cooked bacon to paper towels.
      Pour egg mixture into same skillet.  Stir once with silicone spatula or wooden spoon.  Wash bowl and fork.  Dispose of eggshells and put away any ingredients that may still be out.  Toast the bread.   Continue stirring eggs until they no longer run in a tilted pan. 
     Serve on two plates and then wash those plates and the skillet and spatula when you're done eating.  If you have to be told about forks, then I'd like to recommend that you just use plastic ones because the metal kind are for grownups.

Herr Crosby

1/3/13

Well.

According to the accompanying article, these guys are Nazis.

I feel like Herr "S" is working way too hard since there is no middle guy in a group of 10 anyway.

Herr "O" might be a woman.  That is a pretty cute butt s/he's got there.  I can't tell if that facial shadow is a moustache or not because I can't tear my eyes away from that sweet little can.  Let's take a closer look:

 

Ok I don't see a moustache but now he totally looks like Bing Crosby.

Conflict of interest much?

Also, what's going on with the guy on the left up there?  It's Commandant Spankingtime!  Notice how he, too, seems fixated on Not Herr Crosby's ass.  I feel that the giant novelty fraternity-style spanking paddle is just out of frame and I'm not even joking about that.  I don't blame the guy.  That shit is well spankable.

I guess that's really all I have to say about this clear and incontrovertible evidence that beloved American USO crooner Bing Crosby was a transexual S&M loving nazi.

Toast?

1/4/13

I wonder if this is real toast.  I've read about how advertising company photographers have all kinds of tricks to make non-food items look delicious on camera, and workarounds that make real food look better.  For example, they generally use motor oil in place of syrup in pancake commercials, because it looks more like syrup than actual syrup looks.  Is this because syrup just isn't pretty, or because we've all grown up seeing motor oil instead?  Who can say?

In any event, there is way too much butter on that top slice and a suspicious lack of any on the others.  If this is real toast, you could maybe assume that each slice has its own pat of butter and that the others have melted due to the heat of the slice on top of each pat, but who can say for sure?  Maybe it's from a really disappointing diner where the food all looks great but is pretty lackluster once tasted.

If I had a diner like that whose main focus was on the visual appeal of my food, I'd have put this toast on a different plate.  There is no contrast here on this crust-colored plate with this toast-colored toast on top of it.  That pat of butter is the most interesting part and we've already discussed why that's a problem.  Why not a red plate or a green one, or, better yet, some kind of turquoise or aqua plate that would contrast with the food instead of matching it so closely?

In fact, is that plate made of unglazed terra cotta?  It could be, and that's just not right. Imagine how permeable that stuff is; a dishwasher can only do so much.  It would always be full of grease-and-flavor remnants of previous meals eaten by possibly unwashed strangers; the kind of people who would go to a cafe just to look at the food and not to eat it.  Vampires?  I think it would be vampires. I guess I'm never going to eat in this Imaginary but Visually Appealling Diner of Disappointment and Possible Exsanguination..  Now, to find their yelp page and complain.

12/31/12

Well hello, there.  Is that scotch you're drinking?  May I buy you another?  I see that you've noticed my hat.  Yes, what it says is true.  Mustache rides are absolutely free.  I know it's probably hard to believe, during these uncertain times,  that someone would give something that valuable away for nothing, but that's just the kind of guy I am!  Charitable to a fault.